after all this time, i finally came to terms with the fact that we were just children back then, playing with ourselves and discovering what we meant for each other: physically and spiritually. okay, the spiritual part didn't work quite so well, but the physical part did - at least, wonderfully, for me. however, i always thought that i was a grown up man discovering sex with a woman. it was quite the opposite. we knew nothing. we were just kids. but you grew up and i lost myself inside of me.

to be quite honest, i envy the fact that, despite being better than you, i remained the immature kid, while you had your experiences and trailed a completely different track. i don't know, and frankly i don't care, if you found yourself out or not. but you kept moving, steady, with hope that, one day, you'd see a light at the end of the cavern, and i wish i had, too.

i just stood still, grinding the bones you left behind, chewing on the problems you thought i gave you, when in fact what you've given me will never heal: the inability to ever love myself again as a man. it's not that i feel something for you. it's the fact that i feel nothing.

and, after such a long time, it's so weird to dedicate a post to you with such dusty feelings. those were kept in a small black wooden box, and i had to clean the dust off with my hands to see the title, and i only found it after looking inside a box labeled past for a long time. well, i still think that, maybe, if i keep searching the basement of my brain, i will find an answer. so far, i'm outta luck.